where does it end?

it is so tempting, when waiting on a promise, to begin to search for reasons why it isn't happening. for instance, we want to have another baby (or two). i can find so many ways to blame myself for the road blocks. i want to look for so many natural reasons why this is not happening. the statistics are against me, I am not getting any younger, and the wait continues. looking back on my life, i have to admit, this isn't the first time i have felt like i needed to pick at myself in order to earn God's promises. when marriage didn't come my way when i was 20,25,30... it was easy to find all that was wrong with me- i could list them here, but it is not worth the effort. I guess my point is, when it comes to promises and timing, i struggle to figure out my part of the equation.

a little while ago, i was rehearsing (I think the biblical word is fretting) all of the natural reasons why it is unlikely for my body to bear a child. and this is what the Lord said to me - "where does it stop?" when He asks me a question, He is usually ready to answer it, so the dialogue went on - "if you can earn this, what else are you trying to earn? your salvation, no, you know better. your home? your financial security? your husband? your family? is it all you? where do I come in?" and a gentle reminder here that unless the Lord builds the house - they labor in vain (ps.127:1)

of course i don't get a pass on my part - i need to exercise to stay healthy, tithe to keep financial blessing on our home, and pray to keep my heart right with the Lord, but when I have done everything - He needs to build, and I need to trust.

wasn't sarah past her prime? i am guessing in our day, sarah being 89 would be like our 40 or 45. all the odds are against me, but God.

I can't earn a family - but I can put all of my faith/hope/confidence/trust in the One who can. and somehow, I believe He will.

GENESIS 18:14"IS ANYTHING TOO DIFFICULT FOR THE LORD? AT THE APPOINTED TIME I WILL RETURN TO YOU, AT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, AND SARAH WILL HAVE A SON."

Ephesians 3:20-22Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think,according to the power that works within us,

to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Romans 4:14-24 If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless. For the law always brings punishment on those who try to obey it. (The only way to avoid breaking the law is to have no law to break!)So the promise is received by faith. It is given as a free gift. And we are all certain to receive it, whether or not we live according to the law of Moses, if we have faith like Abraham’s. For Abraham is the father of all who believe.That is what the Scriptures mean when God told him, “I have made you the father of many nations.” This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing.Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb.Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.

Jeremiah 32:17 “O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!

so vulnerable part 1

so, a new blog about the most personal thing in my life. sex, fruitfulness, notfruitfulness and the process that follows that heart that cannot seem to figure out why we cannot have a baby like everyone else. of course we all enter this arena expecting that we will have children when we want, on our own time frame.

we thought it would be smart to wait a year after we got married before we tried to get pregnant. i was 33 at the time, and we easily fell into the category of people who were sure getting pregnant shouldn't be a problem.

so at the age of 34 we started "trying".

at the age of 35 we realized that we would not be in the category of people for whom this would be an easy process. long story short, we had blood tests done, i had a pap smear with scissors (its about as painful as it sounds - they had to snip a bit of my uterus off to have it tested in the event that i was not ovulating). i was ovulating just fine. shawns sperm count was a bit low, so we needed to see what was going on there. shawn had to have a surgery to remove a varicose vein (which is also about as painful as it sounds - poor man- and if you are a man and happen to be reading this, you could cross your legs in sympathy). so sperm count - up, ovulation - happening - still not pregnant and now 36ish.

we love our family doctor. a strong catholic man who is a firm believer in procreation. he finds most fertility treatments "abhorrent". which, to tell the truth, so do we. we do not want to make potential babies and leave them there indefinitely. we will use the embryos that are created - even if it means lots of kids. all of this to say that he was really dragging his heels on the whole sending us to the fertility clinic thing.

in august of 2008, we went and explained our desire for children and reminding him that i was 37 now. he caved in and we made our call the next day.

the funny thing was, i told the receptionist our whole story while she patiently listened while trying to interrupt me and tell me that she didn't need to know all of that.

i think i will stop here with this part of the story and take another entry to go through some of the other fascinating details.

so here i am, on this new blog preparing to pour out of my heart all of the details of this rather vulnerable journey. it is therapy for me, so if you are reading this you are a surprise to me.

today - january 24, 2010 - we are still right in the middle of the road, waiting for the beautiful sight of a little me and a little shawn roaming the planet.

until then, blog on.